So I know my last entry was about being full of gratitude and stuff, but I just woke up from a nap in the sourest of moods. I opened my eyes to pages of job searches on my laptop, and I was just fell into an attitude of...its hard to describe it any other way besides desperation. I give up! I am not going to get a job that I actually want. Maybe there is no such job out there for me, or maybe it is just not in the cards. I tried looking at the sunny side, but that just felt too much like both complacency and disingenuity. When I tried being thankful for what I have instead of being bitter about it, I was reminded so much of my former Christian self, and I realized how much easier and more comforting it is to rely on the explanation that "God has a plan" and "all things in God's timing" when you're backed into a corner. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with those beliefs, because it absolutely does provide relief in tough situations. I'm just not sure I believe it anymore. Also, I think maybe being in an Ivy League institution has skewed my perception of the world. Maybe I feel too entitled to the good things in life because of where I came from. Maybe I've been to inundated with the principles of the American Dream--that if I work hard enough and am deserving enough, I will eventually get the privileges I've earned. Maybe I should face the reality of where I live and that there are plenty of people in American society that work hard but don't get anything. It is so crushing to finally understand what it's like to work so hard for nothing.
So I feel like this entry is something of a dead end, because the options I'm coming up with are 1) be grateful and complacent or 2) be bitter and complacent, neither of which I like very much. Maybe I should take another nap and I'll wake up in a better mood next time.